


Spaces Between Us

by allyasavedtheday



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Compliant, Discussions of suicide attempt, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV Isak Valtersen, Season/Series 04, even/balloon squad reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 15:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11210535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyasavedtheday/pseuds/allyasavedtheday
Summary: Isak cuddles into him, nosing at Even’s cheek and leaning their temples together. “I think they miss you.”“Really?” he whispers, hardly daring to hope.Isak nods against him. “They asked if you’d want to see them again.”“What did you say?”“I said it’s up to you.”*A fix-it fic for Even's storyline in season 4





	Spaces Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> asdlkfjasfkljlds okay i literally wrote 5k in about 5 hours and i still want to give this another read through but i wanted to post before i go to bed so i'll edit it properly tomorrow!!! but here u go, i tried to fix it!!!!!!  
> **edit: okay it's all edited to my satisfaction now haha, but seriously, i hope this offers you all some kind of closure for even's storyline <3
> 
> there are discussions of even's suicide attempt and what happened at bakka in this fic and i tried to be as realistic and respectful as possible in my portrayal. but please bear it in mind if you feel you could possibly triggered by this <3
> 
> fic title: spaces - one direction  
> as always, characters belong to julie andem (though i'm honestly considering adopting them at this point)  
> this fic has now been translated into russian which you can read [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5651055)

“I tried to kill myself.”

He doesn’t mean to say it loudly and he doesn’t think he does but, in the quiet of their bedroom, the words sound deafening. Isak has stilled completely where he has his back to Even, folding clothes to put in the drawer.

“At Bakka,” he clarifies when Isak doesn’t speak. His own voice sounds so hoarse, hollow and small, and he _hates_ it. But he’s been burying this truth deep for so long, he can’t push it down anymore. Isak deserves to know. Especially after last night. “That’s why I had to drop out.”

Isak turns around finally and Even can feel panic mounting in his chest. Even expects his reaction to be loud. Because everyone’s reactions had always been so loud. Loud in their sympathy and their pity and their platitudes when all Even had ever wanted was for them to whisper.

He should’ve known Isak would be different.

Isak looks stricken but also conflicted as to whether he should be; his eyes are glistening and it makes the bruise around his eye stand out even more stark against his pale skin. Even can see the tremble of his hands too now that they’re no longer holding the t-shirt he’d been folding. Even’s stomach twists itself in knots while he waits for Isak to do something and he watches, terrified, as Isak takes a few tentative steps closer.

Around the bed, past the table to where Even is sitting on one of the chairs watching him with his breath stuck somewhere in his chest, until his toes are just shy of touching Even’s.

Then Isak climbs into his lap, pressing their chests together and surrounding him in warmth and that familiar scent that’s so distinctly _Isak_ that the breath that leaves him stutters out on a full-body shiver. Isak’s hands frame his face and Even doesn’t realise he must be crying too until Isak is gently sweeping his thumbs under Even’s eyes. He tips their foreheads together, gentle but still firm enough to feel the pressure of it, and murmurs, “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

Even’s eyes close and he swallows around the lump in his throat as Isak pulls him into a hug.

It’s a little desperate – their arms cling too tight, Even is crying and he knows the wetness he feels against his neck means Isak’s tears have finally fallen too.

He’s been holding onto this for so long, has felt ashamed of this for so long, has buried it so deep he’s turned it into one of his warped fears, convincing himself Isak would leave if he told him the truth. But Isak is _here_ and Isak is holding him and Even just needs to cry. He needs to let himself cry about it. So he doesn’t try to swallow it down anymore.

He cries – for his past, for the pain that still slices through his chest like a knife every time he thinks about it, for his friends who he’d missed so fucking much but who’d hurt the most important person in his life last night, for _himself_ , for how hard he’s tried to hold himself together and how easily he still manages to fall apart at the seams.

But Isak is here and he bundles up all of Even’s broken pieces and he holds them close, cherishes them, soothes the jagged edges until they don’t feel so jagged anymore.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there, on a chair that definitely isn’t strong enough to take both their weights, but eventually, when Even’s sobs have mostly subsided, Isak leans back. He takes Even’s face in his hands again, caressing his cheeks and brushing away the tear tracks even though more continue to form in their wake. Isak’s own face is a tear-stained mess but his conviction is steel and Even has always been in awe of how strong this breakable boy truly is.

“Let’s lie down,” Isak says softly, reverently, as he brushes Even’s hair back off his forehead and presses a kiss there.

They migrate to the bed and Even folds himself into Isak, head resting somewhere between Isak’s chest and stomach and legs curled up tight underneath him. Isak leans back against the pillow behind him and keeps his arms wound tight around Even, hands sliding over his back and running through his hair and Even focuses on the steady rise and fall of Isak’s chest beneath his head.

He’s always loved his and Isak’s ability to share the quiet. They’ve never needed words. He appreciates that more than ever right now.

But eventually, he feels like he needs to explain. If he doesn’t now, he doesn’t think he ever will.

“I tried to kiss Mikael,” he admits, voice croaky, and he waits for a rejection that never comes. Isak’s fingers continue their soothing path through his hair and his chest stays steady as ever beneath Even.

“He- he pushed me away,” he continues after a moment and he sounds so _weak_. So fucking small. He screws his eyes shut and curls his fingers in the fabric of Isak’s shirt. “I- He said it was against Islam and I- I know now I was hypomanic at the time- I was already spiralling but-“

He cuts himself off, swallowing down a fresh bout of tears and forcing himself to take a shaky breath to steady himself. Isak only holds him tighter, not pushing, just waiting.

Isak knows some of this story. He knows Even had a public episode that led to him being diagnosed and that the depression that followed caused him to miss so much school he had to drop out. He’s never heard the details before though.

“I started studying the Qur’an,” he says finally and Isak makes a tiny noise at that. Even’s not sure why but Isak doesn’t say anything else so he keeps going. “And I- I was manic so I started posting shit on Facebook. Passages about how homosexuality was a sin and how I was going to burn in hell-“

Isak doesn’t shush him or ask him to stop talking but he does move so he can start pressing kisses to the side of Even’s face, gentle and so, so tender, before he rests his forehead against Even’s temple.

“And I just- I internalised it all,” Even says, voice hardly above a whisper now. “I hated myself and I wanted it to stop. I just wanted it to _stop_ ,” he says tremulously, voice weighed down with exhaustion, and Isak eliminates any and all space between them, whispering a watery, “Elsker deg,” into Even’s skin.

“I overdosed on sleeping pills,” he says hollowly. “They pumped my stomach and I had to stay in hospital for a few days. I went home with a brand new diagnosis and a team full of doctors who were supposed to fix me.”

He knows the words sound sour; he knows Isak can hear the resentment in his voice. But Isak doesn’t comment on any of that, just says, “You don’t need fixing,” and brushes another kiss next to Even’s eye.

Even closes his eyes and leans into Isak’s touch, focusing on the feel of his hands on his skin and his soft breaths being exhaled against Even’s face.

Isak doesn’t speak for a long time and when he finally does his voice is soft. “It makes sense now.”

Even frowns. “What does?”

“That night- at the hotel-“

Even closes his eyes, stomach churning at the memory.

“When Sonja told me you were manic she talked about how you’d learned the Qur’an in Arabic,” Isak says quietly. “She told me I was just some sick idea in your head and that you weren’t in love with me.”

He knows this part. Sonja had admitted it to him. He still feels sick when he thinks about it.

“I thought she was just- I mean, _obviously_ she was worried,” Isak says. “But now, I know she was just trying to protect you,” he finishes with a murmur, absently twirling some of the longer wisps of Even’s hair around his fingers and it’s a touch gentle enough to make Even’s shoulders relax as he nods.

They fall silent after that, and Even thinks Isak probably trying to process everything.

“I didn’t know you struggled with your sexuality too,” he says after a moment, voice hushed.

Even leans back a little to look at him and he sees something in Isak’s expression.

Understanding.

“You seemed so untouchable when I first met you,” he says quietly. “So confident and sure of yourself.”

“It’s easy to pretend when no one knows you,” Even says, clearing his throat.

Isak gives him a half-smile, touching Even’s lip affectionately. “You made me brave, you know?” he whispers then, and his smile is real now. “You made me want to be okay with myself. You made me want to come out.”

Even’s heart seizes in his chest. He’ll never get over the awestruck way Isak looks at him, as if he’s something special, as if he’s somehow transformed his life into something worthwhile.

“You made me brave too,” he whispers back. “And I didn’t know I could be again after what happened.”

Isak gives him a sad smile, brushing his nose against Even’s – more delicate than normal; his own nose must still feel tender – and kissing his cheek. “You know, last year when we were still figuring things out and I was trying coming to terms with everything, Sana told me something.”

Isak looks into his eyes, expression earnest, and Even can already tell whatever she said resonated deeply with Isak.

“She said hate doesn’t come from religion. It comes from fear. And- she was _right_ , Even. My mom is the most religious person I know and I was terrified that she’d condemn me to hell or disown me for being a sin or-“ Isak cuts himself off, shaking his head, and Even forgets sometimes how much of himself he saw in Isak at the beginning of their story.

“But instead my mom told me she loved me,” Isak continues, offering him a wan smile before sobering again. “Mikael was scared. And he can blame that on religion if he wants to but it doesn’t change the fact that _we’re_ not wrong. This isn’t wrong.”

Even feels fresh tears burn behind his eyes as he brings a shaky hand to Isak’s neck. “I really love you. Do you know that?”

Isak smiles, leaning in to brush their lips together. “I do. Good thing I love you just as much.”

Isak readjusts then, slouching until he’s lying down properly and pulling Even into him again. “Let’s stay here today. We don’t need to do anything.”

Even can’t find it in himself to argue so he nods, pillowing his head on Isak’s chest and hugging him close. Isak pulls the blanket up around them a moment later and all Even can think about it that first day in Isak’s bedroom all those months ago.

_Can’t I just stay in here with you forever?_

_You can._

*

Isak had skipped a couple of days with Even to regroup after the fight had shaken them both and he honestly hadn’t thought much of it at the time but now he has a biology test coming up and a precious section of his notes are missing.

Hence, Sana.

Sana, of course, already has the notes organised and filed away in her room which means Isak has to go home _with_ her rather than stopping for coffee at the café Even’s working at now on his way home from school. He’s pouting only a little bit.

Though, if he’s being honest, he’s a little hesitant to go to Sana’s house. She’s apologised for her brother countless times and Isak has waved her off every single one. He doesn’t hold a grudge and he knows the situation got heated because they were all too protective for their own good, more than anything else. Still, he’s not exactly keen on seeing her brother again when the last time they met Isak was gifted with a bloody nose and a black eye.

Sana looks over when she opens the door to her building and she must notice his trepidation because she rolls her eyes. “Elias shouldn’t be home,” she says and it comes out softer than he expects. “No one is, as far as I know.”

He nods, smiling half-heartedly, and follows her up the stairs.

However as soon as she unlocks the door it becomes clear Sana was wrong because the first thing Isak hears when he steps through the door is too many loud voices. Sana freezes beside him and it’s at that moment that Elias and the rest of Even’s old friends emerge from what Isak guesses is the living room.

They all pause when they notice Sana and Isak standing in the hallway and there’s a moment of uncomfortable silence before Sana clears her throat and says, “I’m just letting Isak borrow some of my biology notes.”

Two of them nod, though honestly, the only ones Isak actually knows by name are Elias and Mikael and it’s neither of them. Sana looks at him like she doesn’t want to leave him alone but he just shrugs. He can survive thirty seconds in her hallway without her.

He thinks.

Sana moving seems to spur Elias into action and he steps forward, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh, listen- sorry about punching you, man, I just-“

Isak waves a hand. He doesn’t want to do this. “Forget about it. You were protecting your friend and I- yeah, it’s okay.” Elias nods at him, looking unsure. Isak glances over at Mikael then, hesitating a moment before opening his mouth. “I’m sorry I hit you.”

Mikael looks shocked at being addressed directly and immediately starts shaking his head. “I fucking deserved it,” he says and he sounds like he means it. “I didn’t mean to upset him, Isak, I honestly just wanted to talk to him.”

Isak grimaces as he thinks back on the moments that led to the fight. On the bone-deep fear on Even’s face when the boys had come into the club. On the way he’d completely shrunk in on himself when Mikael had approached them outside Syng. On the way Mikael had kept _pushing_ , kept trying to talk to Even even though he was looking closer and closer to a panic attack. And Isak had _tried_ to get him to back off. But he wasn’t listening and Isak had been worried sick about Even and protectiveness was rearing its head inside him. So when Mikael wouldn’t take no for an answer, he’d just- snapped.

He’d hit Mikael. And barely had a second to even realise what he’d done before Elias was suddenly swooping in and smashing his fist into Isak’s face.

He closes his eyes to rid himself of the memory of the haunted look on Even’s face and shrugs. “He just- I don’t think he was ready that night.”

Mikael nods, expression dejected. “But he’s- he’s okay, right? Like- in general, he’s okay?”

Isak finds it easier to answer this time, a genuine smile making its way onto his face. “Yeah, he’s doing really well.”

All five boys seem to let out a collective sigh of relief at that and Isak is really starting to think Even doesn’t have the whole story when it comes to his friends’ feelings about him.

Sana comes back before he can think any more on it, handing Isak her notes and standing at his side. It’s subtle but he appreciates the silent support.

“Do you think-“ It’s one of the others speaking this time. The one he’d seen in the picture on Sana’s Facebook all those weeks ago with Mikael. “Do you think he’d want to see us?”

All five of them instantly turn their heads to see Isak’s reaction and he takes a second to consider his answer. He doesn’t know what Even wants and it’s not his place to give answers on his behalf so he just says, “I can ask.”

He catches them nodding at one another out of the corner of his eye but he chooses to look to Sana instead. “Thanks for the notes, Sanasol,” he says with a small smile. “I promise I’ll give them back tomorrow.”

Sana smiles back at him and it’s nice. He hasn’t seen her smile in a while. “Just don’t spill noodles on them or something.”

Isak scoffs. “Please, I live with Even now. My diet has significantly improved from instant noodles.”

Sana rolls her eyes, huffing a laugh. “Good to know he’s keeping you alive.”

Isak grins down at her, stepping aside to let her open the front door again. He’s just about to take his leave when Mikael calls his name. He stops in the threshold, looking back to the cluster of boys who still haven’t moved.

Mikael’s face is hopeful when he offers him a smile like a peace offering. “Thank you.”

Isak nods and smiles back.

*

When Even gets home that night Isak is sitting on their bed, waiting for him with dinner on a tray and the opening credits of How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days paused on the tv.

“Halla,” he says in surprise, dropping his bag and shrugging off his jacket before climbing onto the mattress. Isak leans up for a kiss before lifting the tray and setting it on Even’s lap.

“Halla,” Isak replies with a sweet smile, draping an arm around Even and letting him lean against him.

“What’s this for?” Even asks, nodding down at the plate. It’s actually just heated up leftovers from the dinner Even had made them yesterday but the gesture still makes his insides go a little mushy.

“You’ve been on your feet all day and I love you,” Isak says simply, pressing play on the film and settling in beside Even. He picks at Even’s plate while they watch the movie and Even lets him because he’s so stupidly enamoured with this boy and anything they do that’s even remotely close to domestic makes his heart flutter in his chest.

But it isn’t until he’s set the plate aside that he realises Isak actually wants to talk to him about something. Isak turns down the volume on the film but doesn’t pause it, leaving it as background noise, and says, “Did you know I used to have a crush on Jonas?”

Even turns to him, eyebrows raised. “Is this your way of trying to tell me you’re leaving me for your best friend?”

Isak rolls his eyes and Even has never seen the gesture look so fond until he met Isak.

“No,” he says with a huff. “I’m saying- what you told me the other week-“

Even freezes, watching Isak carefully, warily.

“I get it,” Isak says, voice gentle.

“Why are you bringing this up now?” Even asks once he’s had a moment to process.

Isak opens his mouth and closes it again before finally admitting, “I had to go home with Sana today to borrow her notes and the boys were there.”

Even goes rigid and he knows Isak can feel it. Isak rubs small circles into the space between his shoulder blades and it doesn’t really make him relax but he appreciates the effort.

“Even, you told me what happened but- you never really told me how you stopped being friends.”

Even stares down at his hands, frowning as he chooses his words. “What’s there to say? I came onto Mikael and I went fucking crazy and then they didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Isak says and it’s not the least bit chastising. It’s soft, a reminder for Even to be kinder to himself.

He doesn’t fucking deserve Isak.

“But- baby, did they ever actually say or do anything to make you think they didn’t want to be your friend anymore?”

Even looks up at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean- did they tell you they didn’t want to be friends anymore or did you cut them out before they had a chance to react?”

And that’s-

“You tried to end things between us when they got bad,” Isak says quietly, hand moving through the hair at the nape of Even’s neck. “I didn’t let you. But did they even get that chance?”

“They didn’t want to be friends with me anymore,” he says finally, jaw working around the sudden desire to cry. “I was just gonna keep fucking up. I saved them the trouble of having to say it in person.”

“ _Baby_ ,” Isak says and Even’s heart breaks over the word. Isak tilts his chin, catching his gaze once again. “I really wish you could see that people aren’t better off without you in their life.”

Even feels shaky, too exposed and too vulnerable. But it’s Isak and Isak is the only person he could trust himself with when he feels like this. He just- ever since he’s learned about his mental illness it’s been this thing to beat, this thing inside him that makes him feel like all he could ever inflict on other people is pain. And he _knows_ , he knows he’s hurt people and been hurt because of it but maybe. Maybe that doesn’t mean people won’t love him anyway. Maybe he just needs to let them.

He took a chance with Isak and he got this.

He got a home and a life and a boy who loves him and looks at him like he hung the fucking moon.

And he almost threw it all away before it even began.

He thinks of the texts they used to send him. The texts they still send him sometimes, trying to check up on him and asking how he is.

Could he- is it possible he did the same thing with the boys?

“Even, do they know you’re bipolar?” Isak asks gently.

Even shakes his head. “Sonja told them I was depressed when I stopped coming to school but- I know Yousef found about me trying to-“ He doesn’t say the words again and, judging by the look on Isak’s face, he doesn’t need to. “I don’t know if he told the others though.”

Isak cuddles into him, nosing at Even’s cheek and leaning their temples together. “I think they miss you.”

“Really?” he whispers, hardly daring to hope.

Isak nods against him. “They asked if you’d want to see them again.”

“What did you say?”

“I said it’s up to you.”

And that’s so _Isak_. Always giving Even the choice. He knows Sonja didn’t mean to be controlling. He knows she was just trying to protect him. But the way Isak unfailingly does everything he can to give Even the space to make his own decisions, vowing to stand beside him rather than pulling him along, is just- it’s everything to him.

He loves him.

“I’ll think about it,” he mumbles. And he finds that he means it.

*

It’s a week later when he finally decides he’s ready. Or- as ready as he can be considering the circumstances.

“I think I want to talk to the boys.”

Isak looks up from his food, fork half-poised towards his mouth. He sets it down with a small nod, ankle hooking with Even’s under the table. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Even nods – too quickly, but Isak only smiles at him.

Feeling his heart beat too hard in his chest, he picks his phone up from where it had been lying innocently on the table and opens his chat with Mikael. It’s been empty for months, save for periodic texts from Mikael asking how he his. Texts that have always been left unanswered.

It takes him too long to form a message but he manages eventually, hitting send before he can think about it.

_Hey. I know it’s been a long time but Isak said you guys wanted to talk and I thought maybe we could meet up?_

The response is almost immediate.

_Yes, absolutely!!! Tomorrow? Elias says we can meet at his place_

Even releases a hitching breath, looking anxiously over at Isak. “Are you around tomorrow afternoon?”

Isak reaches across the table and takes his free hand, squeezing tight. “You know I am. Where are we meeting them?”

“Sana’s place.”

Isak smiles. “I’ll be right there with you. We can leave whenever you need to.”

Even nods, glancing back down at his phone.

He can do this.

*

Sana’s the one who opens the door when they arrive and Even’s secretly glad for that. For the moment’s reprieve before this starts.

She hugs Isak first and Even feels himself smile; the little friendship they’ve cultivated is so unexpected but so sincere, it tugs at his heart. She moves to hug Even then, murmuring, “it’s going to be okay,” in his ear as she does.

She smiles at them both when she steps back. “They’re in the living room.”

The words send a flare of panic through Even and he wants to bolt but Isak’s hand squeezing his keeps him grounded. Just about.

She leads them into the living room and the quiet chatter he’d heard as they approached completely dissolves when they step inside. Five pairs of eyes are on him and Even has never wanted the ground to swallow him up quite like he does right now.

Sana’s the one who breaks the tension. “Even? Isak? Tea?”

“I’m fine, Sana, thanks,” he says softly, like if he’s quiet enough the boys won’t hear.

“I’m good, Sana,” Isak says with a smile as he leads Even to take a seat on the empty couch.

“How come you offer them tea and not us?” Elias pipes up indignantly and it makes Even’s gaze snap to him. He’s not looking at Even though; he’s looking at Sana with a pointed expression that’s laden with affection.

“Because I actually _like_ them,” Sana retorts and Elias puts a hand over his heart, wounded.

“That hurts, sis.”

Even is amused by them – in an unsure sort of way – but it’s when he catches Isak secretly preening over the fact Sana admitted she likes him that he finally feels himself start to relax.

Sana leaves the room, presumably to make tea, and, with her, leaves the ease of her presence. The melding of his old life and his new. He looks from Isak to the boys, squashed together on the other couch, and feels all the air leave his lungs.

“How’ve you been?” Mikael asks tentatively after a beat of silence and Even thinks he’s probably going to break Isak’s hand if he holds it any tighter.

He and Isak had talked before about how to go about this conversation and they’d agreed it’d probably be best for Even to tell the boys about his bipolar before they tried moving on or clearing anything else up. But now that he’s presented with the opportunity he can’t get the words out.

Isak’s free hand touches his knee and it’s enough to make Even look at him. Isak meets his gaze and he hears what he isn’t saying. _I’ve got you. It’s okay_.

He looks back to Mikael, to all of the boys, and he starts. “Um. Look I just wanted to. About everything that happened at Bakka- the reason I did all that stuff, the reason I left. It’s because-“

He takes a deep breath and Isak’s hand is on his knee again as he says, “I’m bipolar.”

Probably the biggest surprise is the fact that none of them look surprised. He doesn’t know if it’s because they don’t know much about what bipolar actually is in the first place or if it’s because they’d somehow figured it out already.

Still, they seem to be waiting for him to continue so he steels himself and keeps going. “I- I’m sorry for all the stupid shit I did and for- for blocking you out. I was just in a really bad place and I-“

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence. Mikael stands up somewhere in the middle of his answer and crosses the room in a few quick strides, dropping to his knees in front of him and pulling Even into a crushing hug.

He notices when Isak slips his hand out of his and it’s all Even needs to react, hugging Mikael back fiercely and squeezing his eyes shut to hold in his tears.

Moments later he feels himself being surrounded by four more pairs of arms and he can’t stop himself this time – he feels the tears gather at the corners of his eyes and start sliding down his cheeks and he doesn’t have any free hands to wipe them away so he doesn’t bother. He’s not sure how long they stay like that for but when they eventually all detach Mikael grips his shoulders tight and looks him in the eye with his own tear-filled gaze. “Don’t ever fucking apologise for that again, okay?”

Even nods in disbelief, glancing over at Isak to find him sitting a little bit further away with Sana, smiling encouragingly at him.

The boys return to their seats on the couch eventually and then Isak is right by his side again, thighs pressed together and fingers lacing with Even’s.

And it’s- it’s okay. It’s good.

They leave Bakka for now. And Even knows they’ll need to come back to it, knows the conversation requires more information than just this but the main thing is out there. They _know_ and they’re still here.

So he listens to what they’ve been up to since they graduated and lets the familiar sound of their joking comfort him. He’s _missed_ them.

When they seemed to have cycled through all their news Elias looks from Even to Isak. “Man, tell us about you though. When did you and Sonja break up?”

“Around November,” he hedges. That had been a- _complicated_ time.

Elias raises an eyebrow. “And you’re already in a committed relationship with your own apartment?”

“Imagine that,” Sana chimes in airily. “Independence, responsibility. A foreign concept, right Elias?”

Elias makes a face at her and Even smiles. It’s been so long since he was around this but it feels so _familiar_.

“Seriously though,” Yousef says, catching Even’s attention. “You seem really happy now.”

Even looks at Isak, who’s looking back, as always, and offering him a private smile. Even’s mouth lifts in response and he looks back at them. “I am.”

The rest of the conversation passes by with the same amount of ease and by the time they’re ready to leave Even feels exhausted but happy, fulfilled, in a way he hasn’t felt for a while. They’ve just made it out onto the street when Mikael calls his name.

He turns around and finds Mikael fidgeting with his hands as he walks up to him and Isak. “I just wanted to- to apologise,” he says heavily. “Even, I’m so fucking sorry for what I did.”

“I’m sorry I tried to kiss you,” Even replies with a small shrug and Mikael looks pained.

“I- no, but- you weren’t imagining everything, okay?” he says and the look on his face is _begging_ Even to understand. “I- when I said those things about being gay and Islam I was- I was talking about _myself_. You made me confront something I wasn’t quite ready to admit yet and I freaked out and I’m so sorry.”

Even’s heart clenches and it hurts. To know he hadn’t been making it up in his head. To know Mikael had probably been struggling just as much as he had. To know how much guilt they’ve both been carrying around for so long.

He thinks it’s time they finally let it all go.

“It’s okay,” he says and he means it.

Mikael hugs him again and it feels like closure.

When he’s walking home with Isak a few minutes later they make it five blocks before Isak says anything.

“I’m so proud of you,” he murmurs, bringing their joined hands to his mouth and kissing Even’s knuckles. “You’re my favourite person.”

Even glances at him and feels his mouth curve up in a smile, lifting their hands to loop his arm around Isak. “You’re my favourite person too.”

And, finally, he feels lighter.

*

They’re at Eva’s birthday party and Isak is giggling into his mouth in between kissing him, already a bit tipsy on champagne as he makes a dumb joke about croquet that doesn’t even make _sense_.

God, Even’s in love with him.

“Baby, I think you’re a little drunk,” he huffs amusedly.

But Isak shakes his head, arms curling around Even’s neck. “Just happy,” he mumbles.

Even softens, slotting their lips together with a contented hum. He nudges his nose against Isak’s as soon as he pulls back, making Isak giggle again, and that’s how the boys find them.

“Halla!” Mutta announces loudly, making Even pull back to find his friends – he’s getting used to calling them that again – all looking at them both with a mixture of amusement and expectancy.

“Halla,” he replies, blowing out a breath in surprise when he’s passed around for a series of hugs and back slaps. Something clenches in his chest when each of them moves to greet Isak the same way.

And it’s tentative. They’re still learning how to be around each other again. Still learning what being friends means now.

But it’s a start.

And as he plays a terrible game of croquet with Isak, Mikael and Elias, and watches the other boys mingle with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus, he can’t help thinking things are getting better.

With a kind of surety he hasn’t had in a while, he knows, they’ll be okay.

*

**Author's Note:**

> did i make it better????????
> 
> as always, you can find me at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) and the tumblr post for this fic is [here](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/post/161868034657/spaces-between-us) <3


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